


i am not the only traveler

by drqco



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Angst, California, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Road Trips, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:48:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27288910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drqco/pseuds/drqco
Summary: sonny escapes new york for a while to find solace in california. and, by pure accident, finds rafael as well.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	i am not the only traveler

**Author's Note:**

> honest to god i dont know how this storys gonna do this is pretty impulsive ???? i just got some places they can go to .... but yeah 😭😭😭 i just rlly like road trip fics and i think the two of them on a road trip together would be really cool. this is also set in CA bc i kno most abt california n not ny sorry !!
> 
> but well... enjoy.... i suppose we're tagging along their journey as well.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> their journey starts at cardiff-by-the-sea, a little beach town in san diego. :)

An impromptu trip to California wasn’t something Sonny thought he’d be doing this summer. 

Perhaps it was the nagging feeling of something missing in his chest, or the loneliness, or the longing he felt to be anywhere but Manhattan, New York City. Maybe it was his family, or the job--or everything in between. Sonny's not sure. (He’s not sure of many things, now.) 

But in the end, he decided to take a break. He packed his bags and took off without a trace. Sonny texted the squad that he’d be gone for a while, and not to look for him, that he’d be okay. He told his family he’d be visiting them in three weeks' time, while he sorts his life out. If God loved him, he’d go unbothered for three weeks. Alone in San Diego, surrounded by the sea. 

So now he’s here, sitting on his balcony, overlooking the sea. San Diego is pretty in every way, from the scenery, to the people who seem to live life in slow motion. It felt like Staten Island, in a way, just take away all the parts he hated. Sonny doesn’t have any plans, for once, and no one has any plans for him. Maybe that’s partly why he took this trip, too. 

His little hotel was only a few blocks away from the beach, where he wanted to spend most of the time. And maybe somewhere along the way, he’d discover things on his own accord. But being alone was what he needed, what he craved. Just a simple break. 

He yawns to himself as he props his feet up onto the rails, letting the sea breeze wash over him. The view of the ocean was breathtaking. The blue seemed endless. As a child, Sonny wondered whether he could run into the sea and never come back. 

He thinks a lot about that now, actually. Running away and never coming back to his old life again. Maybe he’d be a completely different person in the same place, or be himself far away from there. He could use this time to figure everything out, maybe. But he decides to ignore his responsibilities here, and instead relish in the warmth against his skin, familiar, inviting. 

He’s wearing a half buttoned, flowy, Hawaiian shirt. It’s soft and silky against his skin, and he’s paired it with some shorts and flip flops. This was really the only stuff he packed, Hawaiian shirts and shorts. The only other shoes he brought were his white Chuck Taylors. Sonny had brought one watch with him as well, his lucky watch, he’d say. He brought his laptop as well, though he didn’t really know why. He figures that work can’t escape him, even though he’s run so far away. 

\--- 

Time moves freely here, it feels like it has no constraints. It just ticks and ticks whenever it wants to, and the people move along with it. It’s the thing about beach towns. The lull of the waves can pull you under and embrace you like a hug, it’ll rock you along to the beat of its waves. Push and pull, push and pull. It’s Sonny’s favorite part about the beach. 

Staten Island had its handful of beaches, but none of them could ever compare to California beaches. He’s staying at Cardiff-by-the-Sea, a quaint little beach town in San Diego. It’s not as hectic as downtown, just the perfect amount of calmness for Sonny. It felt like no one could reach him here. 

He sighs as he makes his way down the small cliffs and down to the sand, sighing at the way the cool sand covers his feet. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and moves forward, being pulled to the ocean like a fly to a light. This stretch of beach was empty, save for another family to his right. From what Sonny could see, it consisted of two men and a little girl, running around in the water with one, while the other sits on a chair and laughs. Sonny glances over and smiles at the sight, maybe, he could have that one day. 

Nevertheless, he trudges forward, grimacing as he accidentally steps into some seaweed. But it doesn’t matter to him, not when the cold water is covering his feet, and the breeze felt like a hug, and the sunset was the most beautiful thing he’s seen in the world. For a moment, he imagines a different life for himself. That home wasn’t home, that home was here--planted in the sand. With the sounds of waves, the coolness of the air, the shouting of-- 

“Sonny?!” 

The voice is all too familiar for Sonny to not whip his head at the voice. He whips to the right, being taken out of his wonderful daydream. Coming closer to him was Nick Amaro, clad in a beard and in a white, soaked shirt. He actually looked happy--happier than he was at the precinct. And although Sonny wished for aloneness--he couldn’t help but smile at seeing his old friend. 

“Nick!” he calls out, meeting Nick halfway through, leaning forward and embracing him. Nick laughs in his ear and hugs him back equally as tight, patting him multiple times. He’s warm, the California sun has definitely seeped into him. “Holy shit, man, I haven’t heard from you in forever.” 

“It happens when you move to California,” Sonny rolls his eyes, punching him playfully. Out of the corner of his eye, the other man stops in his tracks, while the girl--Zara, now--shrieks along with him. “It happens when _you_ stay at Manhattan SVU. How’s everyone? Wait, wait, did you know Rafael is here?” 

And just like that, Sonny’s world crumbles. 

\--- 

Sonny thought he was living in a dream, but he wasn’t. Standing there, clear as day, now sporting a small beard, playing with Zara, was Rafael Barba. The man who made such an impact on his life, who imprinted it and made his place there, who unpacked his bags and became a permanence, who then left without a trace, standing only 15 feet away from him. Rafael must’ve noticed he was here, too. 

“No, no, actually.” 

“‘S fine. What are you doing here in San Diego?” 

Sonny struggles to come up with a clear answer. 

“Vacation. Had to get out of there. Thought you lived in LA?” 

“I like to take Zara down here from time to time. It’s our favorite place, and Rafael was visiting,” Nick tells him. His look seems to change once he looks at Sonny more intently, it’s the detective in him. “And I heard about what he did. But did he really not say goodbye?” he lowers his voice, moving to Sonny’s side. The two of them face the sea. Sonny shrugs, “Not to me, at least.” 

“But now he’s here, right?” Nick claps him on the back, giving him a grin. Nick seemed to be more optimistic than him. When Sonny first arrived at the precinct, he followed Rafael like a puppy, always seeing what he did and admiring him. And sure, he did have a ‘crush’ on him, but it's long gone now. Ever since Rafael left, he packed him into a box and stuffed it into the back of his brain. Out of sight, out of mind, right? 

It wouldn’t have gone anywhere, anyway, if he tried anything. Rafael was constantly working, and, not to mention, a fucking ADA. What would a high ranking ADA want to do with a little detective? It doesn’t matter now, he supposes. Rafael moved on and didn’t bother saying goodbye, he probably had a family by now, or at least a partner. Though, he appreciates Nick’s optimism. He and--Mike--were the two people that asked him about Rafael, and he couldn’t resist telling them. 

“Yeah,” Sonny shrugs, running a hand through his greying hair. Zara laughs to the right of them, and Rafael picks her up and twirls her around. He was wearing a tank top and some shorts, and well, Sonny has never seen him more happy. He hears Nick saying _something_ but he can’t quite catch it. 

All his senses are tuned to Rafael. 

“You’ve got the same look in your eyes, Carisi,” Nick says absentmindedly, tapping him on the back to get his attention. He shakes his head and focuses back on Nick, shrugging at him. “He’s happy.” 

\--- 

“You’re a lawyer? Like Uncle Raf?” 

“Mhm, but maybe not as good.”

“Well, not yet. I’m sure you’ll beat him soon,” Zara says as she plays in the sand, digging a little hole. Sonny can’t help but laugh, throwing his head back. He was sitting on Nick’s cooler, with Rafael on the chair a few feet away from him and Nick helping out with Zara. He hasn’t said anything of sustenance to him, save a “hi, Barba.” Rafael nodded, saying a quiet hello back. Nick seemed to see the tension between them, so now Zara was playing with them. 

“She’s too smart for her own good,” he tells Nick, who was outstretched on the sand, running his hands through her hair. “Good for her,” Rafael cuts in, looking up at him, tilting his head. He’s seen the look on Rafael before, the challenging one. It would make his stomach swirl, as he watched Rafael cross-examine a witness or strut around in court. Sonny gives him a look of his own. It’s been so long, two years. 

“Papa, I gotta go to the bathroom,” Zara says after a while, shoveling the sand into a bucket. He almost sees Nick tense up, glancing at the two of them. Sonny just shrugs, the conversation between him and Rafael was inevitable. “Okay, let’s go then.” Nick picks up his daughter and she laughs when he blows raspberries into her stomach. He and Rafael avoid each other’s eyes as they watch Nick and Zara trot away. 

Soon enough, they’re both alone. Nothing separates them here. Not work, not ranks, not cases. It is the sea and the sand and the two of them. Sonny was escaping home, and Rafael was--well, Sonny didn’t know. “How’s everything, Carisi? Heard you’re ADA now, congrats,” Rafael breaks the silence, sounding too polite and curt. Sonny sighs, taking his glance away from the sea and staring at his--not his--Rafael. 

“Fuckin’ difficult. It’s like, you’re always drowning in--” 

“Didn’t ask about work. The job is always difficult. You’re always drowning. I’m asking about everything else,” Rafael cuts in, as snarky as ever. Sonny swishes the can of coke in his right hand, listening to the liquid churn inside. Work has always been his response to everything these days. Mostly because no one really asked how he was doing mentally (and Sonny would never admit this outloud, but he felt like his breaking point was close), partly because he just--didn’t talk about it. 

“After you left, Barba, nothing was the same.” 

“Change is good.” 

“S’that what you learned in Iowa?” Sonny barks back, scoffing. The bitterness is bubbling up in him, the feeling of if Rafael never left, things could be the same. Maybe Sonny wouldn’t be suffering under the crushing weight of his friends or his family. God would have mercy. “Not sure. What I _did_ learn in Iowa was how to make really good pork chops.” 

It causes Sonny to laugh a little, and it reminds him of their old times. Their banter, arguments, the looks he’d give Rafael. “What’re you doing here?” Rafael asks him. Sonny contemplates telling him the truth. “I was suffocating. Drowning. I just realized that if I didn’t leave, at least for a while, I’d do something stupid.” Stupid hangs in the air, a mutual understanding between them two. Shrugging, he gets down from the cooler, opting to sit on the sand and watch the Cardiff sunset. 

“How about you?” 

Rafael pauses, before saying, “I have three weeks off. Figured I’d visit Nick, then after, I’m not sure.” He supposes that Rafael was letting some things be left unsaid. Rafael was speaking hesitantly, and that was something Rafael never did. It was one of the things he admired about the other man. How he could speak and act as if he knew every fact and detail down to a T. Sometimes he did, and sometimes he didn’t--but what mattered was that he convinced everyone he did. But at least he and Rafael had something in common--they were really just floating here. Stuck in purgatory, until something pushes them back into life. 

Sonny takes in the other man, looks at how different he is and how much has changed. The hair--a little more gray, his arms--a little more toned (well, not that Sonny was _looking_ -looking.), more relaxed, but there was so much unsureness. Sonny wondered if he looked the same. “You got any plans, Carisi?” 

“No, not really.” 

“You wanna forget about everything else?” 

Sonny scoffs, “I’d do anything to forget.” He crosses his arms over his chest and looking over at the other man, a smile on his face. As they look at each other, the familiar sounds of Zara and Nick’s laughter fills their ears. Turning back, he sees the two of them trudging back. “Where are you staying?” 

“The lodge on Chesterfield.” 

“How much time do you have?” 

“Three weeks.” 

“Cancel your stay tonight. Pack your bags, and in the morning I’ll pick you up. Six a.m. It’s your first time in California, no?” 

“Why, you’re the California expert?” 

“No. We’ll just drive.” 

Sonny laughs at the idea, imagining being stuck with Rafael in a car for hours on end, touring all of California with the man. He wonders how insufferable Rafael would get, how much time it’d take for him to annoy the shit out of the man, and for some reason--it doesn’t feel too bad. And of course, maybe Rafael could be joking around. He’ll leave again--just as he did in New York, with no goodbyes. “You think I’m joking?” And the confidence is back again. The sureness of his face, the familiar determination that paints the man’s eyes--returned. In that moment, Sonny seems to understand. Rafael wants an out as much as he does. 

“Don’t you think we’re too old?” 

“You’re starting to sound like me.” 

“And _you’re_ starting to sound like me.” 

“I think that sounding like young Sonny Carisi isn’t that bad, sometimes.” 

And with that, Sonny agrees. 

When Nick and Zara return, he can’t help but sneak glances at the other man. 

\--- 

He clears his booking that night. The receptionist is a bit confused, and he could only respond with, “A change of plans. But this was nice.” 

He sleeps well that night, better than he had in ages. By five a.m., he’s up and running, even without coffee. His outfit consists of another button up, this one--silky and smooth and flowery. A pretty pink, paired with his white shorts and Chuck Taylors. If anything, he looks so different from his other self--the one with suits and shitty ties and too short slacks. In the mirror, he ran his hands through his hair, smoothing it back. 

And honest to God, he was so unsure of this thing, he didn’t know whether he could actually go through. But fuck it, if he thought of it too much--maybe he’d back out. He’d be pulling a Rafael Barba. 

When Sonny exits the lodge, sunglasses and all, there’s Rafael. He’s parked by the curb, standing with a simple t-shirt and shorts. He’s leaning against an old car--even though Sonny couldn’t tell what it was. Dragging his suitcase and shrugging his backpack on him, he crosses the street, the rising sun lighting the area. 

“A Suzuki? Cool,” Sonny comments once he gets closer. An SX4, if he was correct, but he wasn’t sure of the model year. “2008 SX4. It cost a fortune,” Rafael snips. Sonny snickers, opening the back and throwing his things in there. There wasn’t much, just another suitcase--most likely Rafael’s. The car was old, but it didn’t feel old. It was polished and cleaned, and when Sonny got into the passenger seat--the familiar scent of coffee wafted into his nose. Two cups were in the cupholders. 

“Both are mine, by the way.” 

“Asshole.” 

“Sure,” Rafael comments as he climbs behind the wheel. Sonny rolls his eyes at him, before shutting his own door. The car had a little pine tree air freshener, as well as two die that swung back and forth, hypnotizing. “There should be a map in the glove box,” Rafael says, adjusting the rear view mirror, tapping the die as well. 

“We live in the 21st century.” 

“Well--we gotta find somewhere.” 

And Rafael reaches over, leans into his space as he opens the glove box, digging for a map of California. His warmth intertwines with his own, blending into one. It’s so odd--Rafael is quite literally in his space, yet he seems so far from reach. It’s always been that way with him. When Rafael pulls out the map, he sits back in his seat. Helping him, Sonny unfolds the map and the two of them pore over it--resting it between the two seats. Sonny glances up at Rafael, who is so intrigued with the map--his eyes searching and moving around so quickly. He seemed to have mentally aged backwards. 

“We’ll travel up the coast. Up the PCH.” 

“Sounds good,” Sonny replies, his mind in a haze.The two of them feel like teenagers--running away from wherever they came from. Rebels, maybe. But they’re a bit too old for that, now.

But nevertheless, when Rafael looks up and locks eyes with him, Sonny can’t help but grin. 

“Sounds fucking fantastic.”

**Author's Note:**

> follow my twitter: @ENBYCARISI
> 
> A SPECIAL THING I'M DOING FOR THIS FIC: after posting a chapter, i'll be posting a poll on my twitter! there--you can vote to see where the pair will travel next. if anything, it's more of an interactive story :) YOU'RE helping me write it. i hope it works, haha. 
> 
> (AUTHOR'S NOTES) 
> 
> \- i mention sonny interchanging san diego and cardiff. cardiff is a town in san diego, if you're not familiar with CA and what not  
> \- PCH - pacific coast highway. i think most ppl know what it is, but it's one highway in CA from san diego to san francisco that's a very pretty and scenic drive--perfect for road trips.  
> \- the lodge on chesterfield drive is a real lodge in cardiff !! it's called the "cardiff-by-the-sea lodge" :)  
> (if you have any questions abt californian places n stuff or where they travel tho feel free to comment or tell me on twt!!)


End file.
